Bathroom Etiquette

An open letter to all at the firm, or at least those on the 13th floor (not my floor, but in an attempt to remain completely anonymous we will say that Klipz, Trey, and myself all work on this floor).

Rules of the Bathroom

1) No "owning the urinal"
By owning the urinal, I do not mean taking up more space than is necessary, that was remedied by the partition that is between each urinal (however I am sure that some dickhead would take up more space than he should). No, I mean, when you take a piss, do not act like you are fucking Christopher Columbus setting foot on the beaches of the New World for the first time. Likewise, the urinal is not some hooker that you just punched as did a line of coke off of. Do not treat it like such. I do not care what level of importance you hold at this place, when your dick is in your hand, we are all the same.

2) No talking
If you must say hello, fine. However please do not continue talking when you have started your business. I am busy concentrating on not getting any splash back on my khakis. The second you start talking to me, things have the potential to go wrong and I make it a daily habit to walk around with as little piss on myself as possible. Don't mess up a good thing.

3) ABSOLUTELY NO LOOKING AROUND
Holy fucking Jesus Christ. If you must talk, fine. Have it your way. But do so as you stare at the wall like God intended you to. There happens to be one partner at the firm who likes to stare at you while you are taking a piss. This makes me very uncomfortable and I hope it would make you uneasy too.

4) Use two hands
Just like driving a car. I understand that, after however many years of practice, you can use one hand. Cool, alright, good for you, but leave that shit at home. This is not Shea Stadium or the Vince Lombardi Service Area.

5) Don't be that guy...
Being that guy includes...
a) Using the middle of three urinals for no reason.
b) Using the middle of three urinals when the two outside urinals are in use (use a stall).
Being that guy includes alot more, but for now, we'll leave it at that.

6) Leave the belt alone
There is no reason for you to unbuckle your belt to take a piss. I don't care who you are. I have been pissing for 25 years and not once have I ever fucked up my shirt-tuck-in while unzipping my shit and taking a piss. You are basically just being a weird guy who untucked his shirt to take a piss, don't be that guy.

7) Try not to fall asleep on the pot
Strike that. That guy ruled. I took us about a year to figure out who that guy who was falling asleep in the stall was. Besides finding out who the random hot/cute people walking around are, that was probably the most fun thing I have done at this place.