More Lavatory Antics

Ok, so yesterday I was the one that had to stay an extra hour(editor's note: This requires explanation. Either Klipz, Myself, or our case manager has to stay an extra hour every day "in case we are needed" according to the attorneys. That is to say we need to fart around this festering rat's nest an extra hour because scanning documents, and sending packages out via FedEx are just a couple of tasks beyond the
dignity of any self-respecting legal scholar. Humility should be somehow structured in to the required coursework for some of these wannabe magistrates. I guess it goes to prove that all the money in the world can't teach some how to act like a genuine person. Anyways, I digress.

What I was trying to say was that it was my day to stay late in the off chance that anything needed to be taken care of. I was going about my usual, reading the entire internet, thinking of errands I needed to attend to, dreaming of a life that didn't so closely resemble Dante's 6th ring of Hell when before I knew it I needed to take a squirt. "No big deal" you're saying, right? My sentiments exactly friends. Yet, you are forgetting about where we are. This is Funder, Cunt, Hymen, and Scrotum. The comfort zone of assbackwardsness. The mascot of this place should be Mr. Tom Foolery, himself. I swear every time I get off the elevator coming to work I step into some parallel dimension where anything, and I mean ANYTHING is possible. This being said in the least positive way imaginable.

So I make my way to the men's room to do the deed and upon entering I found myself shocked by what I stumbled upon. An attorney, who from here on will be known as Lucky Chang, was standing at one of the urinals taking a piss...WITH A TOOTHBRUSH IN HIS FUCKING MOUTH. Now, personally I have never understood the whole brushing-your-teeth-at-work thing. I don't mind if others do it I could just never get into it. But really? While you're pissing? This was too much. Awestruck, I forced myself not to stare at this travesty of personal hygiene. It was like watching a pop culture icon slip into addiction. Disappointing to see, but just to ridiculously hysterical to look away. There stood Lucky, Dick in Hand(no pun intended), tooth brush in mouth with the slightest hint of toothpaste at the corners, slowly rocking to and fro, with this shit-eating "I don't know nuffin, boss" look slapped all over his mug. Now at this point you may be asking yourself, "Is that it? An attorney brushing and pissing at the same time? That's all you've got for us Trey?

Worry not comrades, there's more.

So I sat there pissing, while at the same time trying to completely digest what I had witnessed. Little did I know the coup de grace was still to come. Lucky went about finishing his business and, as is customary, migrated to the sinks to complete the ritual of the #1 with a wash of the hands. However, Lucky apparently is a rogue, thumbing his nose at the clearly established etiquette of the men's office bathroom. What I saw next was something of unprecedented proportions.

At this point in the plot I had finished pissing as well, and had situated myself a safe sink's length away from Lucky out of respect for my own personal bubble. I still could not help myself from gawking at Lucky even if only out of my peripherals, for the simple fact that I was waiting to see what would happen next. And as it turns out folks, not much of anything happened. I don't mean this in the sense that the rest of my time in the lavatory was uneventful or lackluster. I mean it by saying that LUCKY CHAN PROCEEDED TO NOT WAS HIS HANDS DESPITE SITTING IN FRONT OF A SINK FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES! He stood in front of the mirror happily brushing away, seemingly oblivious to my presence a mere 5 feet from him he and simply did not wash his hands. He continued to brush to his heart's content, shoveling water down his gullet rinsing the pearly whites to no end but failed to wash his hands after pissing.

Let's look at this from the beginning in a time line format:

1. Lucky goes to bathroom, begins to brush and piss at the same time(keep in mind, dick is in hand)

2. Lucky pisses, dick still in hand for control purposes.

3. Lucky proceeds to sink and continues to brush and rinse, using the same hands that held his dick not 20 seconds ago.

4. Lucky exits bathroom having pissed, brushed his teeth, not having washed his hands, all while inadvertently me in an unimaginable state of dumbfoundedness.

Am I insane? What is wrong with these people? Since when is shit like this ok?

Granted, I may fuck up and not flush the urinal from time to time, but this is intolerable. Kids don't wash after pissing. I remember pissing no-handed for that exact reason when I was four. These are attorneys earning hundreds of thousands of dollars per year, many of who have multiple post-graduate degrees other than a JD and they still don't wash they're hands after taking a leak.

Does thinking you are the last sane person on earth make you crazy? God I hope not.