Kids

So I just got off the phone with one of my attorneys, who you may remember from one of Klipz' earlier posts as that argyle wearing hot little piece of juris doctorate. I will admit, she is very nice and her enthusiasm kind of makes me feel bad that I have to shit on her, but alas, she is a first-year, which basically means that even the guy who sharpens the pencils (yea we have a guy like that, and he is the fucking man) gets more respect than she does. Hey, if we don't let them know what the fuck is up (ie, "no, you can't have that, I have other shit to do" or "no, I won't print that for you and bring it down 3 floors to your office" or "call the mailroom") then they will never learn. Another time-tested way to get them to leave you alone is to act big, angry, and way too busy to be bothered by them...oh wait, thats me and Klipz all the time (Trey is learning though).

This happens every year, just like the seasons come and go, so do our sucka-ass associates, and they must be replaced by new meat. Some of them get better offers from other firms, some get shit on for 3-4 years and decide that in lieu of killing themselves (like they should), they will go somewhere else.

Back to the first-years...

It gives me a special feeling inside to see these new first year associates (hereafter referred to as "kids") and their zeal for the law. This special feeling I get is something akin to seeing a plane flying high in the sky and knowing that it is going to crash straight into the fucking mountain. In 3-5 years these kids will either be one of three things....

1) Not working here...doing doc review for 3 years will do that to a person.

2) Not on the partner track, aka "Da Black List", which means that you're a dick and everyone hates you. Not only does everyone hate you, but it is common knowledge that everyone hates you. Not only is it common knowledge that everyone hates you, but I will tell whichever sad soul replaces me that you are a dick and everyone hates you and he/she will hate you just to have something in common with everyone else. Basically, if you were to make partner, the firm would collectively shit itself and the world would come to an abrupt end.

3) On the partner track, which basically means you kiss more ass than anyone is the history of the world, and for this, everyone hates you as well. In order to be considered for partner you have to bill hours upon hours upon hours upon hours of time to a client. This is how you and the firm make money. But, unlike us whack-ass paras, the attorneys can't really sit around and bill for nothing, they have to come with something they call "work product" (let the record officially show that I hate the use of the term work product, I don't know why, I just do.). Ok, so this dickhead who is on the partner track has to be doing stuff and when attorneys do stuff they generate work for the lower level attorneys and us. This is why we hate you. This is also why everyone else hates you.

You might ask where I am going with this, so here is my point. If you're an attorney and you work at a law firm then everyone hates you and you might as well kill yourself.