Let's Discuss

Ah, the saga of Dick in Hand. A more hackneyed tale of desperation, woe, wit, and triumph was ne'er told. But, now that the story is out there, let's talk about what really happened.

OK, before we judge Skrilla for his actions, you must understand who he is. And who he is is basically defined by where he is from. Let me just say this. This town, from here on out known as Beerstye, could most gracefully be described as a shit-dump-hick-zoo-puke-stain-asylum. The wikipedia entry for said town characterizes it by it's illegal immigrants and garbage. Anyway, noone should be surprised that an act of this nature was purported by this poor child from such "humble" beginnings.

With that out of the way, let's get into it. First of all, he was at his gf's parents' house. Her parents! Has he done this there before? We may never know, but (please see above) would you be surprised? He was in the middle of a party. There were tons of people there! Was he thinking about getting another drink? Or maybe talking to some old friends, or grabbing a bite? No, he was thinking about shaking hands with the (apparently) unemployed. This party was in someone else's honor, but he was thinking solely of himself. Now, he left the party to get busy. Did he go find a bathroom, or somewhere he might be private? Well, maybe... But at least lock the F'ing door! Moving along, I guess he was too drunk to get the job done, so did he give up the fight? Nope. Tried, and passed out. This is like failing to commit suicide. The shame of not properly executing the ultimate shameful act must be unbearable. We may never know. I understand that he was drunk, but when the gf came in with two friends (And why wouldn't she? She was at a party at her parents' house and it was still in the swing.) and asked about the situation he told her the truth!!! This may be his one saving grace. Myself, I may have gone with something along the lines of, "Uh, oh, I'm drunk. I must have thought this was the bathroom. Did I piss myself? No? Phew, really dodged a bullet right there. What's up with you guys?" But Skrilla? "Jerking off!" Ooohhh reeeaally! Duh, I guess... What else would I be doing in here with Dick in Hand?

Now, I have heard of some screwed up shit in my day, but I think this takes the cake. When we showed up at the house at 6:30 in the morning to play golf, I did not expect him to be awake. I didn't even really expect him to be sober. But the state I saw, first the gf's mom, then him, then gf herself, was hysterical. Complete waste. There were even people camped out in the front yard for Christ's sake! So he comes out, and in a fifteen second stare down we had this conversation in our heads: "Get in the car, you're a waste. I can't, I'm trashed. I see that, but we didn't drive all the F'ing way up to Beerstye to NOT pick you up to play golf. But I can't even walk. You made it this far. Dude, look at me. You are from Beerstye, we expected nothing less. OK, anyway I am too ashamed to be around my gf and her family right now... and anyway, I got a great story." He got in the car, and in his drunken drool he told us the events of the night before. As we discussed how to save face in front of his girlfriend, the evilness in the parties of the front seat grew. This is why we told the tool we played golf with. As a sidenote, this tool started making fun of Skrilla too, cuz he thought he was down, and for that I am sorry. We told the starter. And the hot little beer cart girl. And everyone we work with. I plan on telling my family at Thanksgiving. The world must know.

But if he is not ashamed, great.